My Cardboard Box

I have to bring this up. More and more lately I'm worried about not finding a job. I haven't really gotten an internship ever. I've worked for Randy at Stage3/ETC for four years. I worry that if I don't find some kind of internship this summer I'll never find myself a job ever. This is a persistant nightmare I have almost every night before going to bed and sometimes more often.

I'm trying to finding an internship, sort of. I wish I could spend more time, make a better portfolio, and send out more resumes. I haven't had enough interviews yets, but I still want to find more. I'm just so busy with work I don't have time to find a job. It is really stressing. I fear that I don't come across right or that I do the wrong things and companies won't see why they should hire me. I just can think of so many reasons that I would not get offered an internship, not that I don't think I'm definately qualified.
Keywords:Depression | Jobs
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Disney Vacation

This past week, Sunday through Tuesday, I went on a little vacation to Disney World. My Mom was going down for a business trip. Carly and Missy were going along too. They were there all week, but I just came down for the first part beause I was missing school. This was my 8th time there. It was fun to spend some time with family and enjoy the warm weather. Being with Missy meant that we did a lot of the kiddie rides, but I like those anyway.

Some highlights. On monday we were at the magic kingdom but after noon it got very crowded. Carly and I headed over to MGM to ride Aerosmith's Rockin' Rollercoaster, my favorite rollercoaster. We didn't have too long at the part but we were willing to wait in the hour and 40 min line. We were in line not two minutes when someone came up and gave up their fastpass, for right then! We were able to get in in no time and could do other things at that part. Later that night it was drawing Donalds and writing a song, When I Rule The World, with Carly at DisneyQuest.

On Tuesday, Turtle Talk with Crush was fun to do with Missy. When we went to leave at noon I throught to check the fastpass time for TestTrack since I knew we were coming back later. The time we got was 7:30-8:30, which fit in perfectly with our evening plans. My mom was hosting a function where she had arranged for us all to cut the line and ride Misssion:Space. Due to some trouble with watching Missy, I was actually able to ride it twice in a row without waiting. By the way, my mom rode on it and wanted me to mention that. Then we had dinner, Carly and I went over to TestTrack, and then headed over to MGM for Fantasmic, an excellent water,fireworks,video,live action show.

It was a good trip. It was fun being able to go around knowing all the little inside things I know know from my classes. In fact, in Entertainment Engineering, last Thursday, we had a guest speaker who was a ride and show engineer at Disney.
Keywords:Travel | Family
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Corner of the Sky

Tonight was greek sing. It brings back some unhappy memories. First of all, I wanted to help out with ABTech, setting up and doing tech for the event. Of course I did help set up, but what makes me mad is that because I was a brother of AEPi, I'm not allowed to help out during rehersal or the show. I guess the worry is bias, that I might try to give unfair advantage to AEPi or adversely affect other shows. Some think it seems valid but I do not agree. First of all, it isn't like I'm looking for an especially important job with a lot of influence. Secondly, I was never very involved in AEPi greek sing and have no stake in their success. But most important is a thing called professionalism. If I'm going to do something then I'm going to make that my priority and focus. I am able to have multiple hobbies and keep them seperate. In protest I did not help with strike, although it was also since I had to get up early the next day.

Having been shunned by ABTech, I had no choice but to attend Greek Sing with AEPi. It felt weird being there like it always was in the past. I've been a bad brother with regards to greek sing. I helped out only slightly my freshman year, didn't do anything my sophmore or junior year, and was only actually involved one out of my four years. As much as I like theater, particularly my rare opportunity to perform, I have not capitalized on it. I've felt bad because of it, for both reasons.

The other thing that greek sing brings is girls. I have been and was this time uncomfortable being around which ever sorority we were working with. This probably comes from a comraderie developed over the weeks working together that the other brothers had that did not.

Well, that all being said there isn't much I can do about it now. So this year AEPi did Pippen with Zeta and won 3rd place.
Keywords:Greek Sing | ABTech | AEPi | Depression
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Who do I talk to about feeling worthless?

Someone called it a quarter life crisis. I don't know about that, but I've been feeling pretty bad lately. I'm not really proud of anything I do. I don't really feel like anything I do is any good. I'm overcome with feelings of jealousy and worthlessness. I look at what other people are doing and I think "Why can't I be working on a project that is as cool as that?" or "I wish I was doing that" or just "Damn that looks good, I could never make something as impressive and real-looking at that." I suppose whatever you do, there's always going to be someone better, and I should deal with that. Or maybe it is just a lack of perspective. That's probably what other people would tell me. I hear how awesome I am plenty but it doesn't sink in. I know that, but how do I stop feeling like this isn't true.

Stress is part of the problem. I have so much to do I can't focus on doing anything well, and so I don't do anything at all. I'm overwhelmed by all the things I want to do, and so I do nothing. I slept 11 hours last night. I'm overcome by dozens of projects for work, booth, finding a job, my websites, puzzlestorm, dealing with other things in my life, etc. All the things I need to do can't even be listed. Thinking about the list right now makes my head hurt. I can't imagine climbing out from under this pile for months at least. I know I won't enjoy anything I do until I am free of this excessive burden and the thought of not enjoying anything in the forseeable future hurts.

So who do I talk to about this? What do I do?
Keywords:Depression | Busyness
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Sex Education: A Dream

Last night I had a dream. It seemed so real at the time, as most dreams do. In the dream I promised a friend I'd write up my opinion in my blog, and although it wasn't real, it was an interesting situation I'd like to write about anyway.

The dream was about sex, somewhat of a taboo subject. As kids, when we are taught about sex, we're always taught it is how babies are made. The message is that sex is for married couples. Of course we know the truth is that lot of kids are having sex. Never "your kids", but you know it is out there. According to some statistics I looked up (I don't need to provide links because these things are easy to find), by age 17 over 50% of people have had sex, and by 19 it is roughly 80%. We may want there to be something special about sex, but the amount of recreational sex belies that in most cases. Now, instead of ignoring it, what if we embraced it? If you accept that it is fun and appealing and that kids are going to want to try it then maybe we could curtail many of the emotional and physical problems that result from it. In any case, that is a little of what the dream was about.

I was in High School, and probably 17 years old. Up to that point sex education policy was the same was we all know it. However, in the dream, my parents and teachers started taking a different approach. In this bizarre dream, they started encouraging sex. Rather than the wild orgies you might expect, there was actually no sex in the dream. I imagine that all the kids there still wanted it, but after years of thinking it was a secret, talked about through bird and bee metaphor, they were uncomfortable hearing adults talk about it freely and openly.

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Keywords:Dreams | Rants
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If you don't like the weather...

The phrase "If you don't like the weather wait a minute", which I first heard in regard to New England although I imagine every place has that saying, never seemed literal until this week. All week I've been trying to build a booth, among other things I have to do. I've done what I can inside but now I need to start assembling things outside. I enjoyed this a lot the last 2 spring breaks of my undergrad career. but those were several weeks later. This year it is still winter. It is cold out and has been snowing off and on all week. The really tough part is that it hasn't been consistant. Monday was hot and beautiful. A great day to be outside, and I was wearing a t-shirt. Then Tuesday it started snowing. It has been snowing a little every day, but also getting just warm enough to melt the snow, not really warm though. Today has been the worst. First it is snowing. Then it stops, gets sunny, and the snow melts. I think that maybe I can go do some work outside, but as soon as I get ready, it gets dark and snowy again. It has been going back and forth every 20 mins for hours now. I just want it to be warm and spring. I would have even settled for a nice one week of indian summar like we've had here before. Booth season. Shitty weather. *shakes head*
Keywords:Booth | Depression
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How did your interview go?

Not a question I particularly like. I don't like interview. I don't think I'm very good at them. It really is the impediment standing between me and jobs that I know I'm good enough for. I just don't know how to express it. I'm not good with questions on the spot. In every interview there's some question that later I think of some so much better way I could have answered. But when people ask me how it went, what should I say? I mean none feel so bad that I should say that, but I never get a very positive, I'm going to get the job feeling. The waiting to hear back sucks because I'm never sure if I'm going to hear or what the outcome will be, and I don't like the anticipation. However I guess even getting an interview is always good, so there's always some enjoyment in it. The optimist in me wants to say that it went great. We'll just wait and see. I'll know how it went when I get an offer, or not.
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Good Day

Today was the most excellent day and yesterday was great too. Today I received a phone call from someone at Walt Disney Imagineering to set up a phone interview for an internship position. If you know me you know how excited that would make me. It is only the #1 place I'd want to work. And with all that has happened and how competetive it is to begin with the get a job there I'm very happy to even get to interview. This is just a first round, but I'm still very nervous.

I often express my worries about finding an internship position. I really need to find one this summer because I need this experience I haven't had before. Unfortunately I don't feel that I am very good at the whole job search and interview process. Not being able to well answer the basic question, "What do you want to be doing in a few years?" doesn't exactly set me up for success. I know that I'm really good at a lot of things. It isn't that I don't feel qualified to do any sort of job I'd be interested in, it is just that I don't feel that I'm qualified to get the jobs. I don't think I look that good on paper. I haven't had any internships before, I don't have any major accolades, I'm not an expert at any one thing except maybe learning to solve just about any problem put in front of me. A problem solver is what I am, but how do I sell that?

I had another interview with an amazing company yesterday. Yesterday two guys from 4orty 2wo Entertainment came to the ETC. In standard ETC fashion they gave a talk, took a tour of the project demos, and then interview students who signed up for slots.

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Keywords:Jobs | TV | Worries
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Thought Repository » March 2005