Today was a continuation of the hell that was yesterday. I'm so tire of it that I could cry. The worst part of it is that I have 2 more full days of it and I don't think I can quit, but I can bear to stay. The jury went well, in that we were able to show everything with only minimal failures and delay. But it sucked. For me it was like swimming upstream and I can't take it anymore. At the end of the day I finally snapped, I decided to punch a wall to release stress and when even that wasn't tollerated in the eyes of my hypercritical peers, I totally flipped out and left. I don't know if I'm going to go back tomorrow. I feel like I should, like I'll probably regret it if I don't, but If I do that then they will have won.

It's just that everything everyone has said to me over the past two days just makes me feel like I'm not respected at all. And I know people appreciate the hard work I do, but that's not the same thing. Why do you suppose that if people appreciate what I do, they work so hard at trying to not let me do it? If you really appreciated me, you wouldn't shit on me all day and then appreciate that I stood there and took it, you'd appreciate that I have a way of working that would make everything run even better than it did for both of us and let me do that. I enjoy taking a very tough situation and making it run smoothly, but only when I can do it my way which means using organization to simplify things. I feel that I am worse than a normal person at dealing with with tough situations by brute force because I am used to a better way. If people insist on having things done that way, they can do them. If you want me to run things because you know it will get done well, then let me do it.

Also, why does everyone have to be so critical of my opinions? Why does Jen have to tell me I'm stupid every time I say something? Why am I not allowed to comment how I think things should be done when others are allowed to tell me how they want it done?

Ari gets his name in this story because I was teaching some people how to counter coil, because they asked, and then he starts belittling me because just regular coiling is "so much easier" (which it isn't once you know how to counter coil well). I could have explained to him why counter coiling is better (keeps the cable from getting twisted and knoted) but he didn't ask why anyone would counter coil, and I'm tired of having to be the one to turn everything into an argument to prove that I'm right. I know I'm right so why isn't that good enough? Obviously Ari though he was right and wasn't willing to learn otherwise, but why wasn't that ok with me? I don't think it was that he thought that I was wrong that bother me, it was that he thought he knew something that I believed he didn't and I am by nature a teacher who wants to correct people when they are mistaken, not to show off, but to help make the world a better place.

And the finally there was the jury. I really wanted to sit in on the jury and hear how it was that they decided the show. I was not allowed because I'm both a TA and a first year. Well, that was the excuse but I don't accept it as a valid reason, so let's just say I was not allowed because. I'm curious how it works as a learning experience. As a TA people ask me what the jury is looking for and other questions about it. People are looking to make good show material since that is the round 5 assignment. I can't help them with it because I don't know what is considered good show material since Randy won't ever let me see the judging criteria. Moreover, if it were ever my world rejected I'd want to know why so that I could use it as a learning experience for the future. As it is the jury doles out meaningless failures. What really bothers me is that there are ETC students selected to be on the jury who get the experience of being in that room. They are rewarded for their lack of involvement with BVW, when I do so much for the class and get nothing. Why am I any less likely to be able to keep secret about what goes on in that room because I'm a first year or a TA? This lack of trust I take as a profound lack of respect. What kills me is that I feel that even if I didn't TA the class next year I would not be allowed to be on the jury because I don't have opinions that people respect as usefull.

I've worked my ass of for BVW for 4 years. I'm dedicated to the class and what it stands for. I flew in just to see the jury worlds last year. I think I deserve something. I feel like a slave as a TA. I'm paid pennies, far from what would make TAing worth it for the salary. The money can not be the reason I do it. I do it because I enjoy helping making things run smoothly and because I think there's a chance for me to get something out of my participation in the process. Instead I'm treated like a slave. I have the job so people just tell me to do stuff and expect me to do whatever they want, however much they want. My time, effort, feelings, process, etc are not considered at all. Maybe I missunderstood the job I signed up to do, but I can't imagine anyone want to or even being willing to be me in these situations. Maybe people don't understand how I can like the things I do like that seem like a lot of hard work to them and they get the impression that I like being walked all over. I don't feel like I get treated like I'm human, and although sometimes I may act extrahuman, I am in fact a person and I am really hurt.